Decisions

This lack of priority distorts even my most clear thoughts.

I don’t know what to do now; which duty should I pick?

It feels too cold to go outside, yet the rain and wind may help to wake up my soul. But I can’t decide.

I wanted to be more efficient. Perhaps I could get more done if I could control my racing thoughts.

Perhaps I could look after myself and find a way to come across a quiet room: silence and inner equilibrium!

I crave this inner equilibrium as I craved when pregnant for fresh Spanish tomatoes and coarse salt.

Decisions have to be made daily.

Shall I eat, shall I sleep? Which source of energy my body needs now?

Shall I look for a new job?

Should I? Had I? Did I? Will I?

Questions and questions. Doubts and doubts.

I cry in despair.

I weep, yet I continue blaming myself, whatever the reason.

Guilt for having children or for not having them.

I am guilty about having a biological clock and not knowing what to do.

I don’t want to see myself predestined to take care of others. When will I have time to take care of myself?

Goodness! What a price I am paying. I am sacrificing my life for others.

I implore, heavens, help me to find a balance and a space for me to be me!

What decisions should I make to have myself back?

I need to find me to provide what they need from me!

I need to stop the agony. I have been trembling for days.

I am not afraid of death. I no fear any mirror.

I am afraid to lose my essence and path and waste my time.

I hear my ghosts shouting at me. They howl that I’m confused and I’m not capable. The spirits are crying all these at me.

What do I want?

Silence, equilibrium, sunny days, books, paints, canvases, sex, hugs, having an escape, being! But on my way, there are tiredness, racing thoughts, duties, library books to return, school uniforms to sort, and bills. Wait! What is for dinner?

***

I painted the acrylic portrait “Decisions” inspired by a friend’s experience after she became a mother. Professionally successful and happy with her career, she ran into difficulties when she returned to work after her maternity leave ended. In her male-dominated workplace, the environment became hostile; she did not have time to socialise after work and did not have the usual energy to fight for her work projects.

The invisible workload increased after she had a baby, and she struggled to find a healthy balance in her life. Her male colleagues did not understand her tiredness, and she was exhausted from not having a moment to herself. After having a nervous breakdown she decided to change her career and to live in a different area where childcare provision was more efficient. Many decisions had to be made to accommodate her mother’s role and to make her existence less selfless.